Heartbreak and change at the white dinner table
This post was revised on 6/15/20 to more fully reflect my evolving thinking on ways to show up in the midst of this cultural revolution and listen and learn from the renewed discussion on how to address racism in the US.
It is not a mark of health to be at peace in a sick society.
Context on the Protests and Looting
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s beautifully written op-ed: “Yes, protests often are used as an excuse for some to take advantage, just as when fans celebrating a hometown sports team championship burn cars and destroy storefronts. I don’t want to see stores looted or even buildings burn. But African Americans have been living in a burning building for many years, choking on the smoke as the flames burn closer and closer. Racism in America is like dust in the air. It seems invisible — even if you’re choking on it — until you let the sun in. Then you see it’s everywhere. As long as we keep shining that light, we have a chance of cleaning it wherever it lands. But we have to stay vigilant, because it’s always still in the air.”
The wellness skills that help your antiracist journey (and the rest of your life)
There are a lot of books and articles and videos about how to be an antiracist. I want to highlight a few core skills that will serve you well on this journey. They aren’t unique, they are useful for all aspects of life.
Show up with kindness and curiosity
Assume there is lots that you don’t know
Just listen
Look for other perspectives
Growth is hard and fulfilling work
Discomfort is a sign of something new to be learned - lean in and beware the extremes
Compassion shuts down when we are overwhelmed. Collapsing into the illusion of over-responsibility and despair is just as ineffective as pretending that there is nothing new to learn.
Sit between ease and effort, in a psychological stance where you can be curious and open to new information. Be kind to yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
What Kerry is doing on her own antiracist journey
Inspired by Ally Henny’s recommendations on what white people can do, here’s what I am doing to be a better human and ally.
LISTEN: I am listening to people of color talk about their experiences. About a year ago I started following Shaun King on Instagram. He was talking about so many crimes against black people that I wasn’t reading about anywhere else. It was upsetting and heart breaking. And it continues to show me how much I don’t know about the world and how skewed my lens is.
LEARN: Dive into the great artists that offer a new (to me) perspective and speak to my heart. My favorites include Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi, Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston, Cane River by Lalita Tademy, and The Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison. My husband loved “The Warmth of Other Sons” by Isabel Wilkerson and I was deeply touched by The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness by Michelle Alexander and Ghettoside: A True Story of Murder in America by Jill Leovy. My friend also recommended The Fire Next Time by James Baldwin so I’m starting that next.
SPEAK UP: I will voice my discomfort and disagreement when I hear white friends and family make racist comments, no matter how “mild”.
LOOK INSIDE THEN ACT: Examine how I hoard privilege and continue working to spread access to all children instead of prioritizing my white child’s needs above all others. Read the writings of clients and therapists of color talk about what they wish white therapists knew. Do my own work.
RINSE AND REPEAT, till I die at least.
Children and family books about racism, prejudice, and oppression
Lists of kids books about racism here, here, and here. We’re reading a lot of these at home and having good conversations.
A Kids Book About Racism by Jelani Memory
Something Happened in Our Town: A Child's Story About Racial Injustice
Rosa by Nikki Giovanni (Author), Bryan Collier (Illustrator)
Brown Girl Dreaming by Jacqueline Woodson
Little Leaders: Bold Women in Black History by Vashti Harrison
May this suffering awaken action and compassion in us all.
Love, Kerry