How do we cultivate the wise, calm part of ourselves?
Writing as a way to gain perspective and wisdom
My foundational belief is that we already know much of what we need to point us in the direction of the life of our dreams. Sometimes the trick is accessing those wise, calm aspects of ourselves that can help us, especially in times of confusion and overwhelm. In my own private practice, I’ve been experimenting with writing as a way to do this. Here’s a few ways that I think writing may help:
Typing (and writing free hand even more so) slows down the process of thinking
Writing necessarily creates some distances from the primary narrator and thus writing can invite reflection and perspective taking
New information emerges as you write, previously unrecognized nuances or ideas come out (I haven’t seen science on this but continue to see this happen in both my personal and professional experiences)
A writing exercise for when you are stuck
I happen to be stuck in confusion right now about the best way to move forward on a professional decision and thought this might be a nice opportunity to showcase a writing exercise I would assign to a client. The assignment is to write a conversation between aspects of yourself, typically the scared or stuck self is talking to and asking advice from the part of you that feels more solid, grounded, and anchored in success (this could be a role or job you have in life where you feels more seasoned and confident such as mentor, teacher, older brother, or best friend).
For the example below, I’m writing a conversation between “stuck Kerry” who is talking to “therapist and coach Kerry”. Stuck Kerry’s problem is that I have many exciting ideas for projects I would like to do but feel scattered and unsure about how to decide which ones to prioritize and how to move forward. Let’s see what happens.
Stuck Kerry: So I have so many ideas but I just don’t know where to start. When I work on the meditation remote program I feel like I should be working on the book instead. When I work on the book I feel like it’s going to take forever and I need to start working on something that will make money for the business much faster.
Psychologist and Coach Dr Kerry: Huh, this is interesting. It sounds almost like a warring between a shorter term project where you can see the outcome sooner and something longer.
Stuck Kerry: Yes, and there’s also this piece of feeling like I’m scanning the horizon. Assuming that whatever I’m working on isn’t the right choice, so I don’t just stick to one thing, I bop around.
Dr Kerry: Does this feel familiar?
Stuck Kerry: HA! Like all the time. This is totally me, it’s classic fear of missing out, but for me it’s more like fear of doing it wrong, fear of there being a better way and I just need to find it somewhere…like outside myself.
Dr Kerry: Beautiful. (I say this a lot in therapy.)
Stuck Kerry: So what do I do about it?
Dr Kerry: You’d like me to tell you? Funny it almost feels like the same circle, Dr Kerry must know the right answer.
Stuck Kerry: I hate therapy.
Dr Kerry: Yeah, I hear you, therapy is really annoying sometimes. (I also say this in therapy - therapy ican be really annoying!)
Stuck Kerry: . . . . . . . .
Dr Kerry: . . . . . . .. . .
Stuck Kerry: SIGH. Ok…so when I talk about this what also comes up is fear. I really love my business. I love what I get to do every day. And I feel scared if I make the wrong decision, if I spend my time the wrong way then I’ll go out of business. I won’t be able to pay my bills and I’ll need to work for someone else again. I don’t want to do that.
Dr Kerry: You are scared. You feel fear.
Stuck Kerry: Yeah, and I know what you’re going to say next is what does this tell me about my values.
Dr Kerry: Ha! Exactly.
Stuck Kerry: I love independence…and service…and making a difference.
Dr Kerry: Beautiful.
Stuck Kerry: When I am in the scrambling place, when I’m doing one thing but questioning it, that’s it. I am so scared. And I’m desperately trying to find the supposed right thing that will make the fear go away.
Dr Kerry: What would you say if I told you it doesn’t matter what you do?
Stuck Kerry: I’d say therapy continues to be annoying.
Dr Kerry: Ha! True.
Stuck Kerry: I’d say I know. I get it. It doesn’t matter what I do. It matters that I do something. That I actually put my feet on the ground and actually move forward. It doesn’t actually matter if I finish the book or the meditation program first. What matters is DOING anything, consistently, with a steady focus. And not letting fear guide me.
And scene!
I truly had no idea what would come out of this exercise. I’m sure some examples I could have tried out would have been a flop. But even in this small writing, I came to a new place in my stuckness and happily, one week after this writing, have progressed more on my meditation training that I had in the past 20 days. I’d love to hear your own thoughts on how writing does or doesn’t help your own reflection process. And absolutely let me know if you end up trying the exercise above. I’d love to hear how it goes for you and any changes that you would recommend.
Further reading on benefit of writing:
I was inspired last month by Scott Kelly’s suggestions for living in isolation including keeping a journal.
“NASA has been studying the effects of isolation on humans for decades, and one surprising finding they have made is the value of keeping a journal. Throughout my yearlong mission, I took the time to write about my experiences almost every day. If you find yourself just chronicling the days’ events (which, under the circumstances, might get repetitive) instead try describing what you are experiencing through your five senses or write about memories. Even if you don’t wind up writing a book based on your journal like I did, writing about your days will help put your experiences in perspective and let you look back later on what this unique time in history has meant.”